A Mom’s Life
Mother’s Day is upon us and this year I decided to share my thoughts about this calendar honored day. This isn’t going to be a sugary one-dimensional tribute. My mom, she has her flaws and foibles and she never pretends otherwise. In my estimate, though, she more than compensates for it with an inner beauty I have yet to find in another person. To me, she is one of a kind.
Over the course of my life she has remained consistent and solid in her support. We share a deep connection – as if held together by an unbreakable tether that only she and I know about. We have an understanding at the heart level where there exists an unwavering peace and unconditional love. My gratitude for this relationship is immeasurable and difficult to put into words.
As mothers go, she doesn’t fall into the category of control-freak, busybody, guilt dispenser, martyr, soul sucker, manipulator, dream crusher and the like. She doesn’t have ridiculous expectations of her children to “be this” or to “do that”. Some might complain she is a bit too hands off or uninvolved. Perhaps, but to me, the way she has managed her relationships with her children has been to give each of us just enough room to figure ourselves out while providing unwavering support in the most difficult times. It’s been a learning experience for her and a craft she had to develop over time.
Stuff Moms Say:
- Would you jump off a cliff if all your friends were doing it?
- You’d forget your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders.
- You’re the oldest – you should know better!
- What part of “no” do you not understand?
- Because I said so, that’s why!
- Who said life was going to be fair?
- I think it’s time you start wearing deodorant. <– I remember that day so clearly
- You aren’t going out dressed like that!
- What did you just say to me?!
She was ALWAYS there when the chips were down. Never doubted for a second that she wouldn’t drop everything and listen intently to our never ending dramas. Always striving to give the best possible advice. Sometimes, there were no easy answers and she would simply allow us to release our feelings and empty our frustrations. This provided us with an unobstructed outlet to be heard and respected without judgment.
Now, I know there are those reading this and wondering what that must be like – for this bond seems to be missing or elusive. My own mother did not have this kind of relationship with her mother. In those cases, it’s best to stay in the shallow end of the pool for sanity’s sake. If you sense the slightest hint of danger you know what to do. You’ve probably had tons of practice already. Remove the decoy connection to the mother ship and submerge to safety until the storm passes. For reasons known only to you, it’s understood that some relationships just can’t be fixed – maybe in another lifetime. For I suspect we have all been traveling together for quite some time.
Direction in Life
Speaking of lifetimes, my mom has spent hers trying to unwind her past and reconcile her losses – as there were many. I won’t go into the details but her upbringing was filled with turmoil and constant uncertainty. When she met and married my dad it was the high point of her life! Finally, a direction in life – a future to put some miles between her and her memories. This is not an unusual life story – difficult beginnings, girl meets boy, they start a family, etc…
Here’s the part where people raise an eyebrow. Eleven children later… her past and present memories had set up shop and never took a day off. These memories conjoined with the broken and gnarled pieces my father brought to the picture and voila! her children were a Picasso patchwork of great price. Each one a collection of characteristics and traits uniquely reflecting the spirit of our lineage. That’s a colorful way of saying we all had/have a lot of work to do on ourselves. I’ve never met anyone that didn’t.
The majority of this crew have hit the “middle age” mark in life. We’ve built our lives in this theme park environment we call civil society and have obtained various degrees of functional knowledge. We bicker about our “truths” creating parallel timelines as each vision inevitably supports our own version of reality – the one that brings us the most comfort. That’s the terrible beauty of this life – and it is sadly necessary. My mom carries a lot of guilt as a parent. I’m thinking any parent reading this does too. As a parent, there is only so much you can do and say before you resign yourself to what is. Ultimately, each individual exercises their free will and the fruit of their lives is of their own making. Always – always there is a choice.
Living this Life
Just last month, Mom turned 82! And each time she says her age out loud she marvels that she has lived this long. Since the death of my father, six years ago this May, she has struggled to maintain her equilibrium. Both physically and mentally exhausted and done in by the psychotic state of the world today – the only sickness that has invaded her body/mind is the media propaganda dosing her daily with terrifying headlines. I can do nothing to break this spell that has cast its net over most of my family and the lump in my throat never leaves me. I suspect this strange new world will persist until 2025 and what comes after that will be a direct consequence of the decisions we all make right now.
Getting back on topic… I never had any children of my own and this was a source of tremendous grief for a while. As Mother’s Day would roll around each year I dreaded going to church to “celebrate moms”. Sitting there in the pew, feeling like a dung pile, unworthy of God’s blessing, I would choke back my tears – and feel my heart grow cold. My journey would be very different as I realized my “blessings” would not take the same shape as those around me.
If Light is in your heart you will find your way home. – Rumi
My husband has two children from a previous marriage and those innocent girls were a great source of refining heat for my troubled soul. I was given the opportunity to affect souls (hopefully for the better) that I didn’t bring into the world. It helped me to find some solace and I thank them for that. No, I was never a mom but I felt a maternal responsibility towards them and today I am “Mémé” and that is its own miracle. Now “my girls” are mothers dealing with the pressures and challenges that accompany that occupation. Even now, there are ups and downs, but it’s a ride worth the price of the entry fee.
Over time I came to realize that I wasn’t being punished by God. This was the life I chose and having children, as beautiful and exciting as that is, is not a reward or gift bestowed on the deserving. It is just an experience and everyone does the best they can with the life they have created. I no longer struggle on this calendar day as I have since dropped my dependence on exoteric rituals to quantify my value as an individual. My mom helped me to see this and eventually my eyes adjusted to this view of my circumstances. She understood the depth of my despair and lit a candle to show me the way out.
Flowers… Again?
With that, I’d like to wish all the women in my life – mothers, sisters, aunts, cousins, nieces, friends – a beautiful day! For each of us has nurtured and sacrificed a fair share of our love to the people that have come in and out of our lives. Especially my mother – I love you more than bacon! Seriously, when we have to say good-bye one day, you will remain in my heart until we meet again.
What will you be sending your mom this year? Flowers? I would send flowers but paying over $100 oy! is just too much for something that will be tossed in the trash in a couple of days. So, I am changing it up this time! What would be more perfect than giving her an essential oil of Helichrysum, Magnolia, Geranium, Jasmine, or Rose? Or a diffuser that will give her all the flower power she can handle! I use mine almost every day to cleanse and freshen my indoor air and lift my mood.
As you have no doubt discovered, this post is seeded with links leading to essential oil products. It wasn’t my intention when I began writing this to sprinkle it with gift ideas but I had fun matching up the oils with the content. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!
Mar 2023: Looking back… Little did I know that exactly one year later I would be taking care of my mother full-time. That I would have to pick up the responsibility of her care and walk away from the life I was building. What a challenge it has been… the most difficult part has been the struggle with siblings and my personal conflict within my own heart. We shall see how this journey plays out.
If you want to give her a gift, make it you. Come and see her, touch her. She would smile and be content.
Yes, it will happen <3. Still going to get her some oils :). They come in handy!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful Moms.
Beautifully written!
If Light is in your heart you will find your way home. – Rumi