Third Incarnation
Hello? Is it me you’re looking for? So goes the once popular 1980s song that popped into my head just now. Lately, my mind plugs in song lyrics for every situation I find myself in like some sort of AI directing and guiding my feelings to the appropriate material. What’s the frequency, Kenneth?
Seriously, two years into being my mom’s caregiver and I’m losing my sense of self only to find it again in the late evening hours when the house is dark, quiet, and still. I stay up way too late relishing the tiny slice of time I have to relax without interruption.
I never know where my writing will take me and it’s been far too long since I have had time to orient my thoughts and assess this latest episode of my life – my existence. It feels as though I merely float in time, thin as a shadow, colorless and flat. My daily internal battle. This is not the person I thought I was two years ago but if I’m honest it has always been a part of me. The pattern of my life is becoming more plain to me. Always a sense of “something missing” and finding myself feeling pinned down like some ugly trampled upon carpet nailed to the floor longing to be something very different. I rip myself away, even from comfortable situations, in search of a vision I have yet to understand. Playing mental hopscotch as I jump from one situation to another.
Incarnations
And so too, BanjoCat Creative reflects my temperament. It has had many lives since its inception. At first, it was meant to be a website business to build small business websites. I composed a catchy tune to kick start our venture and we (my hubby and me) were proud of the work we had done. But, we had entered that market space too late. People don’t care much for unique website experiences when they can use a boilerplate template to get the job done themselves with little investment and time. I get it. Unfortunately, in the age of cold utility creativity is sacrificed.
We then decided to change our lives and take a blind leap into the unknown sphere of, well, homelessness. BanjoCat’s second incarnation became a short lived travel type blog that would allow us to exercise our love of writing and exploration. That was the idea. We sold the house and set everything in motion. Our trailer, Serenity, would be our temporary home as we sought renewal, adventure, and a new place to pour the last foundation of our lives. I say short lived because the timing could not have been worse (2020) and we immediately ground to a halt.
We ended up going in the exact opposite direction as circumstances buried our plans. Instead of better together (wink) we now live separate lives. A mirror of the world around us. I will write more about those particulars in future posts.
I’m gonna circle back now to BanjoCat. In its third incarnation we have simplified the format – it will be a true journal sharing my very unexpected and different adventure in the realm of care-giving, the medical world, alternative therapies, and the many challenges wrapped up in taking care of an ailing and frightened parent. There will certainly be other topics covered and I plan to share my creative projects, as well. It took me this long to pull myself together… to get to a place where I can once again find my feet and command my will to step out of the shadow. Standing in the dark has been brutal but it has forced me to look for the Light and that’s where I want to be.
Acceptance
Currently, I accept that my life is not my own. It is a temporary situation like everything in life – even death. This is not the sort of adventure I had in mind, Mr. Blue Sky. There is the life we want to create and there is the life that fate drops at our feet. We must choose. When you do the right thing it is often painful. The learning is in the struggle. The struggle follows a pattern. The pattern breaks when we learn the lesson. May I learn the lesson…
As always, thanks for reading…
Excellent.
Keep making those patterns, those patterns turn to platforms, those platforms take you ever-higher, towards the stars. You will be on higher ground soon. God bless – the world needs more people who behave like you.
Beca, thanks for visiting the site! I thought the same of you – your thoughtful comments on C&C made me smile. Shine on!
I AM LEARNING TOO !
I woke up early one morning and saw a MR. YELLOW SKY ,
Always keep everyone guessing, Kev. LOL That song keeps playing in my head. I can see you are learning… I’ve seen the ch-ch-ch-changes 😉