Fear of the Known
I learned this evening that sometimes we fear the known as much as the unknown.
After a busy day off running errands and working on this site a bit, I stood in the kitchen, knife in hand, cutting fresh veggies for a big salad for Erin and I. Pangur sat at my feet, as is his modus operandi when either one of us is in the kitchen, occasionally meowing for more food.
As I sliced mushrooms, my mind began to wander as my eyes looked past the mushroom in hand and “through” the thick, dark wood cutting board. A deep set feeling came over me as I stood there auto-slicing and staring into the abyss of the wood grain beneath the knife. I felt overwhelmingly that I will miss “this”. “This” being this kitchen, this specific process of making dinner, this routine surrounded by years and years of collecting special “things” that Erin has arranged into most certainly the best house & property we have ever “owned”.
Melancholy Dressing
Normally of late such “feelings” quickly slip back into the mental waste bucket where I have taught myself to throw my fears. Somehow, though – this time – they did not quite so easily return to where they belong. They lingered at the back of my skull, every so often tapping as to remind me of their presence.
As we enjoyed the bounty of organic goodness, watching the evening’s chosen DVD on the “tube” (a terrible routine I know), the lingering thoughts I could no longer keep to myself. So I turned to Erin and shared my melancholic feelings, by that time slowly turning to doubts. There is one fear I let live on just behind my eyeballs. It is a fear of sharing “in the moment” with my truly better half what sometimes is going on in my tangled synapses. I let it live close by because I am able to constrain it – most of the time. Tonight I let it have its way and I spoke out loud these feelings, these fears.
Once Out, Wished In
You ever struggle with whether or not to share some random thought with someone with the hope that they can help you figure something out then, once you hear it voiced aloud from your mouth, the answer you sought boom! is right there? Then, satisfactory answer in hand, you wished the words never left because now it requires more thinking and now talking?
It was almost the case. But when you have someone you love and trust as I do Erin, “thinking out loud” always, in the end, helps a great deal. As I tried to describe what I was feeling it hit me – I am simply struggling to exit Plato’s Cave. It wasn’t a fear of the unknown but rather a fear of the known.
In the Cave of the Known
Plato’s allegory of the cave goes something like this – my interpretation anyway. There is a cave where certain individuals are chained to a wall that rises up behind them. Behind and above the wall burns a fire that lights the wall in front of these poor individuals. On the other side of the wall others march along the wall holding various objects held up in front of the flame by poles. As these others move along holding up their poles, they whisper back and forth. The chained prisoner’s only known reality are the shadows of the objects and attribute the whispers as coming from the shadows themselves.
Out of the Cave Into the Unknown
At one point one particular kind “other” unchains one of the prisoners and guides him up and out of the cave into the sunlight. At first the poor soul is blinded by the sunlight. However after his eyes adjust, he begins to take in the real reality around him.
It can be exhilarating to experience new things. It can be an endeavor in courage to leave behind what is known, to conquer this “fear of the known”.
The allegory continues for a bit to make a larger philosophical point, but for my purposes of illustration, I’ll stop here.
Fear and Courage
It takes a fair amount of courage to love. It takes even more courage to face – and overcome – one’s fears. I have pretty much overcome my fears regarding such a vastly different lifestyle – fear of the unknown. But tonight I wrestled with the uncomfortableness of leaving what has been such a great and wonderful source of comfort and joy for so many years. I realized that for that short time I was feeling sadness at the thought of leaving my 58 years of chains – however soft and comfy they might be. Chains are chains. I was fearing the loss of the known.
Recorded history is overflowing with stories of great courage, stories of those who set out from the known into the unknown. It is easy through empathy to understand how someone might fear the unknown ahead of them. Tonight I learned what it is like to fear leaving the known behind.
I wonder, though. Once these chains of fear have truly melted away and I see the sunlight in all its blessings and brilliance, will I desire to return to the cave? Will I desire to share with others what they have been missing, chained to the comfortable walls of their own making?
You can read more about our plans for the future on Erin’s “2020 Vision” post.
Thanks for reading.
Memento vivere
Just when I needed it.
Loved reading it Ken! It definitely takes courage. Yes, very true, one fears leaving the known behind. And unlimited possibilities in the Unknown. Best wishes to you and Erin.
Thank you for your response Meeta! Unlike the flat, shadowed images on the wall in Plato’s allegory of the cave, the shadows on the wall of our lives are colored, comforting and often quite beautiful. However what we fail to realize is that they are still shadows. It is not the shadows we should run from or necessarily seek to change – it is the staying sedentary, unmoving, mentally, physically, spiritually motionless that keeps us from living. As my grandfather wrote, “Life is motion, action and energy. When we do not advance, we fall back. If we stop, we are beaten and ultimately outdistanced. If we are silent, we are soon forgotten. We cannot stand still.” Finding that quote handwritten on a scrap of paper in his archives affected me deeply, and still does. So Erin and I are going to move forward – quite literally ;). Thanks again for your thoughts. Memento vivere.
Great blog, Ken! Really enjoyed it. And the website looks amazing
Thanks Josh! Appreciate the feedback. Welcome aboard Serenity ;).