Empty Spaces
I’ve been thinking. We have too much stuff and it’s such a burden! When did this epiphany hit me?
I’d like to say this revelation came to me while I was riding high in my financial comfort zone – but it didn’t. My thoughts on the matter were always pushed back into the “some other time” file in my head. It didn’t magnify in my mind until we found ourselves struggling financially due to job loss. Isn’t that always the way?
Forced to take a closer look at the reality of our circumstances we had some tough choices to make. We could bury ourselves in debt and slowly lose everything over time. Or, we could reconsider our lifestyle.
Never Enough
I didn’t have a whole lot of anything growing up. Sharing 1400 square feet of living space with 12 other people and just getting by year after year was our standard operating procedure. I always felt like there was never enough food, clothing, attention, or privacy – in that order. Oddly, of all the childhood memories of “privation”, living in a small space never entered my negative thought cloud.
As a responsible young adult (sort of) I initially didn’t think this pattern of always struggling would ever change. Eventually, it did change and better employment opportunities presented themselves. Through the willingness and patience of others that took the time to mentor me, I experienced a different world from what I had previously known. My thoughts still smile when I think of those caring individuals that helped me to see that I could do more and be more than my self limiting beliefs dictated.
Empty Spaces
Fast forward and we purchase our first house – I was stoked and so happy to have a home to call my own. And what does one do when they have empty rooms to fill? Buy lots and lots of stuff to fill all those empty spaces. If I’m honest, I will admit that I enjoy the process of taking a formerly “dead” space and giving it life – it’s an art form. But several moves later and having left some articles of worth behind, well, I was left feeling like tiny fragments of my shadow self were left to roam in those places we once called home. The fear of being poor again kept me chasing the figment of wealth and security that I thought would bring me safety. I now have to deal with the empty spaces that lie within.
How does one detach themselves from a life they spent so much time building? How do you decide what you will keep when most everything must go? I know there are countless books and blogs on the subject. It exhausts me to even think about reading the advice of another. Sometimes, you just have to follow and trust your own instincts.
I’ve always been good at organizing and executing a plan so that part about downsizing doesn’t intimidate me. I don’t think living in a smaller space will bother me (much) as I already have experience living in cramped quarters with others. What does give me pause is what to do with all the trinkets that were gifted from loved ones or received because they left this world and their things behind. There is a tendency to think if you no longer want the item it is a form of rejection or letting a part of that person disappear. Irrational, I know, but it is still a part of the letting go process that must be confronted.
Full Circle
At the beginning of this diatribe I spoke unkindly about my upbringing. Truth is, I was never deprived of anything. What I once perceived as “privations” was only a story I told myself. The nature of this manifestation came from an outside influence – the world. My parents gave me plenty. I always had what I needed – it was enough. And providence put the right people in my path to keep me moving in the right direction. My struggles then and now are simply necessary – to grow me and to show me what kind of person I am.
As an adult I hungrily fulfilled my wants and desires and thought that would make me feel perpetually safe and secure. Now, I simply want less while my desires have shifted to seek as a child seeks. To still find wonder and beauty in a world embroiled in an endless cycle of destruction and renewal.
This is our time. Our “2 π r” or coming full circle. Thanks for reading and remember, it only takes one match to pierce the darkness.
